A momentary lapse of judgment and the long tittied tribal woman

I recently experienced a slight interruption in my normal thinking or should I say the way that I have been accustomed to thinking for the past 25 years. I had this crazy thought that I should try to be a little less anti now that I am going to be a Mother.

I started doing something as normal as planning a goddamn baby shower. I generally avoid celebrations of any sort especially those that revolve around me.

The last time I had any sort of celebration in my honor was when my Mother in law decided to throw me a surprise party the morning after my 21st birthday. Needless to say I was not in the best mood physically or mentally. I awoke to her knocking on my door and informing me that it would be a good idea if I cleaned up the house a bit because the guests would be arriving shortly. I struggled to comprehend not only what my Mother in law was doing there but why my cousin was naked in my living room and why there was barbecue sauce all over the television.

Being the ever gracious girl that I pretend to be, I got myself together quickly and acted as cordial as possible while drowning my hang over with a bottle of Bacardi. Before I had even finished scraping the sleep from my eyes or cleaning the vomit from the toilet, I had a house full of guests and birthday cake being shoved in my face. It truly was a lovely gesture that I was neither prepared for or felt in any way deserving.

I never wanted another such event to take place in my lifetime but like I said I have been feeling a slight inclination to try to be less anti everything. So, a baby shower, it makes sense, I am pregnant after all and that is probably the most appropriate time to have such an event. And there is the awesome bonus of free shit that you don’t want to buy anyways. Why would I want to spend money on baby blankets and pacifiers when there are shoes and tweed coats out there waiting for me? God, I am really fucking selfish and vain. At least I know it, I own it and I’m good at it.

After being hounded with everyone asking me, “when is the shower?” and not a single person offering to handle the event for me (not that I would allow such a thing again) I decided to give in and plan the bitch. At first I was actually enjoying the whole process; the lists, the location and ideas for outrageous invitations. My invite list quickly reached an incredible 75 guests, co-ed of course (there isn’t anything more frightening than a room full of women). I was dead set on an adorable building in Balboa Park that happened to be available the exact weekend that I had in mind. I had already started cutting up pictures of long tittied tribal women from my collection of National Geographic magazines for the perfectly Regina made invitations.

Then things got complicated, I realized how much everything was going to cost, especially the location that I wanted. I realized that I was going to need some help and I can ask for help once but never, ever twice. I started to really think things through as myself, not the glowing mommy to be that I was pretending to be and I came to a very easy conclusion, fuck it all.

I feel better now, relieved to be rid of yet another ill-fitting mask. I’m still into the long tittied tribal women art project though, maybe I will make a collage for the kids room.



Filed under I am Pregnant, Something that happened

2 responses to “A momentary lapse of judgment and the long tittied tribal woman

  1. kimberly

    you can still get free shit! register somewhere. Target, or whatever… your friends and your family will WANT to get the new baby boy (name yet?) some gifts. I tried to stop the avalanche of gifts that came for Elise. Nothing doing. I learned that this new person I brought into the world was very separate from me. People wanted to give her a warm welcome. A lot of STUFF. Get ready for it. You will get a lot of stuff. You might as well pick out what you want, or what you think he might want, cause otherwise you’ll get the stuff the generous person making the purchase wants. Come on… you are going to need diapers, more diapers, more diapers, though most of us would probably rather purchase soft, blue things.

    • I realize that a lot of people are very excited about this and have been waiting a very long time for us to have a baby. We probably will register somewhere even though I really can’t handle the whole shower thing. And no, we don’t have a name yet. I think I will have to get to know him first.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s