Tag Archives: babies

Smells like Dreft

Used up and sucked dry,

my inhibitions discarded along with my placenta.

Who is this shirtless woman, carelessly loading a washing machine,

no consideration for mismatched colors.

Fabrics in need of special care must now fend for themselves.

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Filed under Feels like Sunday, I am a Mother

Shamu sneaks into my bed

I have been writing for 8 hours, my back aches and my head is pounding. A pot and a half of coffee has kept the kid active all day. I feel like he is keeping me company, his kicks almost as rhythmic as my typing. I look back on what I have accomplished. Only 10 fucking pages. Seriously? I have been writing my entire life but I never really sat down and took it this seriously with a  goal in mind.

I am committed to finishing my novel before I give birth because I certainly won’t have the time to write for 8 hours straight once he pops out and demands every ounce of energy from me. My days will be consumed with breast-feeding and changing diapers and not much else. Any writing I do will most likely be a sleep deprived mess of words, lacking much sense or creativity. Or maybe I will be so inspired by my new role in life that I will start writing fuzzy childrens books with mice that wear purple underwear and ride bicycles while knitting hats for friendly whales.

Speaking of whales, I am going to have to face my all time biggest fear; motherfucking orca whales. Yep, Shamu is the absolute scariest thing in the entire world. I can’t even look at them on television without screaming and throwing my hands over my face. Those damn Sea World commercials get me every time. They show the fucking things flying, literally flying through the sky and I am supposed to act normal?

Well, I am going to have to start acting normal because I don’t want the kid to be afraid of something as stupid as a whale. I mean, in what situation am I ever going to find myself alone in the open water surrounded by killer whales? Which actually is not my real fear. I have dreams where killer whales are no longer confined to the sea or swimming pools at theme parks. They slither up and down city streets and make their way into my home, their giant black and white slimy bodies hovering above my bed, that giant eyeball staring right at me. Oh god, they are so fucking disgusting. But, I have to get over it. I cannot react to a Sea World commercial with a hysterical yelp once the kid is here, only encouraging other such irrational fears in him.

I’m not saying that I ever intend on going to Sea World with the kid. His Father can take him and they will have a lovely time while I stay home, far away from that big eye pressed up against the glass. If he brings home a giant stuffed Shamu I must smile pleasantly even if I am screaming on the inside. So, I guess this is just one more sacrifice I am going to have to make for the sake of a healthy, happy child. Pretending to like Shamu, I can handle that one.

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Filed under I am Pregnant, I dreamed..., Something that happened

The attentive fetus and Howard Stern

At six months pregnant the little guy has become familiar with noises like our dogs barking and my constant vacuuming, but he is also familiar with voices he hears often; mine of course, his Father’s and the most important voice of all, that of Howard Stern. I listen to the King all day, every day; as I sit at the computer, as I clean the house and as I commute on the bus, making a spectacle of myself, laughing like a lunatic.

I have been listening to the Howard Stern Show every single day for almost twenty years. Howard, Robin, Fred, Gary, Benjy, Sal, Richard, Beetlejuice, Wendy the retard, Jeff the drunk….they are all a part of my family. I mourned the death of Hank the Dwarf as if he were my own drunken misfit Brother. During the Artie years I felt especially entangled emotionally in the show, addiction spiraling out of control in a disaster of lies and chaos. Artie was one of the funniest motherfuckers ever and I hope with all my heart that he somehow finds some solace in his life.

The show and everyone who has ever been a part of it have all been such an important part of my life, the building of my personality and my sense of humor. I honestly don’t know what I will do with myself when the dreaded day comes when Howard retires. I hope he sticks it out for a few more years so the kid can get a good start in life with the King as his mentor.

I know what people think about Howard, people who have never actually listened to the show for any period of time, people who have opinions simply to have them with no actual foundation on which to base them on. Luckily, I don’t give a fuck about other people’s opinions about Howard Stern, the same way I don’t give a fuck about anyone’s opinion about anything, especially those pertaining to my life.

I wonder if when the kid is born he will look around and think, “Ok, so that’s the loud cackling laughing lady and that’s the big guy with all the stupid voices. Where the fuck is the other guy? The deep voiced neurotic guy who yells at Ba-Ba-Booey and gives such great ass wiping advice?”

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Filed under Alcoholism and other Assholes, I am Pregnant, Uncategorized

Babies are terrible conversationalists

Now that I am pregnant I am finding that people think I am suddenly going to be a different person. That I will conform in some way to the ideals of proper motherhood or that I will suddenly care about interacting with other people’s children. Just because I am having a child of my own does not mean that I have to like children in general. It would be a wonderful thing for our over population crisis if every person who didn’t care much for children decided not to have any of their own but it just doesn’t work like that. I know I will adore my Son but fuck off if you think I care about your child enough to want to crawl around on the ground and act like an idiot for his enjoyment. I actually have never even held a baby or changed a diaper in my life. I never had the slightest desire to associate with babies, I mean what do they really have to offer? They are terrible conversationalist’s, they shit and puke all over everything, they are truly rude little bastards. Oh, they are cute, right? Well my dogs are pretty goddamned cute and I have never expected visitors to pay attention to them or say how adorable they are and I was never offended when people simply didn’t want to came into my house because of them.

All that being said I surprisingly enough always knew I would have kids of my own and that I would be a decent Mother, probably a really good fucking Mother. Not that I had anything to learn from but maybe because I had plenty of “what not to do” experiences with my own family. Maybe because of how passionately protective and devoted I have always been with the family that I have created in my life. Or maybe just because some shit, you just know.

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Filed under I am Pregnant

Stolen solitude

I will never be alone again.

Some may find this a beautiful and comforting thought. For me however this thought/realization scares the shit out of me. I adore my alone time, I search out solitude the way most seek friends and companionship. Simply being around most people exhausts me. I should clarify that, being around people with whom I am obligated to socialize with is what exhausts me. Being around people on a crowded bus suits me just fine. Just please don’t expect me to chat with you. And please keep the pick up lines to a minimum. I hear the same lines over and over; “hey girl, what’s your ethnicity” and “hey girl, how old are you”. Why are these inappropriate questions seemingly the only things men can manage to say to me? I am polite and answer accordingly and am usually left alone after they realize I am not a 21 year old Asian girl, I just look like one at first glance. I then resume my reading or contemplative stare out the bus window. I find peace in the dilapidated houses and boarded up storefronts which litter my city in tucked away pockets only visible to those who can manage to take their attention away from their cell phones for a moment. I find my quiet amidst the cacophony of the traffic and the clamor of the city’s masses.

This is all about to end. My peace, my solitude, my secret of being alone.

I had this shocking revelation at the movies yesterday. I was sitting alone, writing in my journal during the coming attractions even though I couldn’t see what was I writing (a really interesting way to write by the way) when I suddenly realized that in a few months an afternoon like this one would never happen again. Never again will I be able to take off to the movies by myself with no more preparation than checking the showtimes in the paper. Never again will I be able to lie in a park with only my own adult self to worry about. I will be chasing a child around the park instead of reading and napping without giving any notice to my surroundings. I will be worrying about that strange man who doesn’t seem to have any particular reason for being there, that dirty looking kid who probably has head lice and possibly even ringworm, that annoying mom always trying to hand out anti-bacterial gel to the kids after they play on the swings and the fact that my kid is eating sand and most likely cat shit. This will be my life, holy fucking shit this will be my life! What have I done?

I can already feel my solitude being stolen from me, my peace disturbed and off balance, my alone has been compromised.

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Filed under Feels like Sunday, I am Pregnant, I remember