Tag Archives: embarrassment

Swamp foot and crotch rot

My rotting, stinking feet.

Why did I wear these tight ass heels on a hot day, especially when I knew I had a OB/GYN appointment. These feet are not going anywhere near those metal stirrups. It’s bad enough she has to look at swollen pregnancy pussy all day and now here I am with my disgusting swamp foot.

I just walked over a mile up and down hills in these well-worn heels. Or did I waddle? Fuck, my feet are definitely growing, these shoes did not used to feel like this.

Ughh…I can’t even button up my Sam Kinison jacket anymore.

Damn blisters are on the verge of exploding with each hesitant step. At least it’s a distraction from the pain shooting down my back, exploding in my left ass cheek and trickling its way down my leg like electrified goose bumps.

Red faced and sweaty I arrive. I have a seat, waiting, my favorite pass time. Cartoons? Why? This is the prenatal waiting room. Fetuses don’t care what is on the television. Can we wait a few more months before I am forced to watch this shit?

The Doctor will see you now. Waddling on blistered feet, click clack echoing down the hallway.

Piss in this, gladly. Step on the scale, fuck all of you. Ok, I’ll do it but don’t even hint at the number, no comment whatsoever or I will freak the fuck out, seriously. A good purge is only as far away as the nearest toilet.

Get undressed and put on this gown. I disrobe, keeping my eyes carefully averted. Take a peek, fuck. My skin always look greenish pink in hospital lighting, a mottled mess. Paper robe ripping in all the wrong places, thighs sticking to cold table, crinkle…squish.

I sit naked with my shoes on. Sexy? Far fucking from it. The Doctor comes in, fresh and radiant. I lay back and scoot my butt down to the end of the table…more?…scoot scoot, ok good. Feet up in the metal stirrups. Would you be more comfortable with your shoes off? No, I’m fine. Liar.

At least I am confident that I don’t have crotch rot. I once walked into a Gyno appointment and literally walked right back out after smelling the disgusting yeasty deep-sea rotten stench emanating from the table they expected me to spread my legs on. I felt diseased just from smelling that room. Gynecologists are brave motherfuckers.

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Filed under Fashionably Unreasonable, Uncategorized

That bitch Rosacea

Today, the hideous beast escaped again and shit all over my face.

Rosacea, you evil fucking bitch.

I am hiding behind mounds of concealer, foundation, powder and mascara.

Can you see me?

I am all I see,

everywhere I look there is a reflection of the face I am trying to run away from.

I spend hours trying to hide the evidence, applying, reapplying, erasing, filling every pore to capacity, I am never satisfied. The lines not right, unevenly placed, ill defined.

And now what? What is it for?

I am hiding, no one will see me today.

 

 

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Filed under Feels like Sunday, Uncategorized